Relationships are always interesting and you never know what challenges are going to arise, even if you believe you are Soulmates. Take this week for example, me and my partner Chris are in Madeira, taking a well earned two week break. We were both really looking forward to the break but when we arrived he took and instant dislike to the island and I thought I had gone to 7th heaven. Thankfully he had picked the location and hotel!
So we arrive at 6.30pm at the hotel, he instantly takes a dislike to it. Too posh, not much life, the list went on! Well he had picked an adult only hotel and that means no one under 50, which is great but I think he was expecting it to be a bit more of a mixture of ages. Being over 50 ourselves we had both forgotten the 18 to 30’s re on the 18 to 30 holidays, the 30 to 50’s are bringing up young children or have teenagers so all inclusive or family friendly is the deal for them.
So here we are and he now in full Mr Grumpy mode, he hates it, we are getting out of here, never knew there were hills and to really top it all, NO BEACH! “ When it said Ocean View, I assumed there was a …… beach!! he went on furiously. Well we all know the saying about assuming, Assuming makes an “Arse out of you and Me”. Now me being the RESCUER I want to make it all right so I go into full on RESCUER mode and I am going to make this alright for him. So I see the holiday rep ask what options there are and then find out Madeira is a place where people come to be explore.
Mr Grumpy now goes into VICTIM role, ” its not my fault it’s the travel company, they were trying to dupe me!. I work really hard all year and now its wrecked”. I am sure you have been there yourself. The only reason the PERSECUTOR did not come out was because he picked and booked the place. If I had booked it then of course it would have been me trying to get him to do things he didn’t want to do. Classic DRAMA TRIANGLE! I will give you more detail about the Drama Triangle later on.
Now at this point I also need to explain, Chris’s idea of a holiday is to chill on the beach, the odd trip but not doing much. Totally get this , as he has a fencing and gardening business, which is physically demanding and exhausting. I on the other hand, have a role that is very people orientated and I spend a lot of time in the office, so my idea of a holiday is a bit of a mixture. What I am really looking forward to is having time to write my blogs and articles, take part in fitness classes get out and about and chill on the beach.
SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
So now there we are stuck! Me trying to make it all better and Chris wanting me to acknowledge his huge disappointment! Dinner was difficult and the evening did not go well and was not going to go well, while we were both stuck in this place. The only way this is going to shift is for us to recognise the DRAMA we are creating.
So this came to me as I was stomping back to the room , I heard my wise friend Emma whispering in my ear, “ What would you say if you were connected to your inner counsellor, connected to your Soul and coming from a place of love?” So I took a moment, stepped back, saw the DRAMA that I was co-creating. I noticed that I was trying to make it better, rather than acknowledging what he was saying and truly listening. So by standing back and looking at the situation from Chris’s viewpoint I started to really acknowledge what he was saying and treat that with respect, rather than try to make it better. Also I was able to tell him how I felt about the situation and acknowledge that Madeira was my idea of heaven, which may not be his. Here was a place to move on from.
In the morning I stopped trying to make it all better and we went about the morning, he was still ‘grumpy’ about it all, but this time instead of trying to get him to a place where he felt better, I reflected back to him what he was saying, so he knew I was hearing him. We walked together down to the Old Town and by the time we got there, he had started to find some things that he liked about the place and it has gone up by 10% so that’s a start and things have been better since that point.
WHERE ARE WE NOW?
This morning I am chilling on the sunbed writing this and Chris is sleeping in, both happy in our space and doing what feeds our Souls , even if he doesn’t believe in all that stuff!
One of the challenges in any relationship is to recognise the differences in each other and respect that, but at the same time remain true to yourself. Chris and I believe we are Soulmates but that doesn’t mean that it is all smooth sailing. Sometimes the sea is smooth and sometimes there is a storm which you have to weather.
I believe a Soulmate is a person who has come into your life to help you grow and learn more about yourself and creates opportunities for you to reach your full potential. They are challenging but in a loving way that promotes growth in both.
THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
The Drama Triangle is a social model that was conceived by Stephen Karpman, M.D., a student studying under Eric Berne the father of transactional analysis.The Karpman Drama Triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles people play.
He says that there are three roles in the conflict;
- Persecutor – insists, “It’s all your fault.” The Persecutor is controlling, blaming, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritative, rigid, and superior.
- Rescuer – feels guilty if they don’t go to the rescue, but their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and gives the Victim permission to fail. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also very pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs.
- Victim – feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, or achieve insight. The Victim, if not being persecuted, will seek out a Persecutor and also a Rescuer who will save the day but also perpetuate the Victim’s negative feelings.
The triangle starts once one person takes on the role of victim or persecutor and then it is set. In order for the triangle to stop one person needs to take on the adult role and step out of the Triangle. If you would like to know more about the Drama Triangle have a look at www.karpmandramatriangle.com.
There are also some great resources online to help you break the triangle.
So now I am going to get on with enjoying my holiday and the luxury of time to read, write and explore Madeira and the fabulous Flower festival. Chris has gone up to liking about 35% of Madeira and I am still loving it.
Have a fabulous week